I do realise that this is a real disorder and a real issue, medically called body dismorphic disorder (BDD) or short dismorphophobia.
And in some ways I feel like most people have this issue in their heads,…so have I, but I did find my way of dealing with it.
I don´t see myself in the mirror the same like people see me, the only things I see in my reflection are the flaws I do want to change. If it is my big butt, my fat thighs, my crooked nose, my unsymetrical face, my big feet,…oh the list goes on and on.
Maybe I am just extremly critical?
Due to a good metabolism I have never been “fat” (dislike this word loads, as it is in the eye of the beholder what “fat” actually is, but because of the lack of a better word I´ll go with that), but I have never been fit nor strong nor did I feel comfortable in my skin.</p
When I saw my reflection, I immediately felt bad about myself.
- Mai 2016
- He was not the cause, but for sure a bad influence on my mental stability (for so many reasons, but that needs its own post), so boyfriend – BYE
- I hid my scale. Sounds odd, but the “out of sight, out of mind”-thing works…trust me (it´s not about the weight, it is about the feeling you have about yourself, no matter what you weigh)
- I started to train regulary, I found the right studios for me and my training- schedule was on point.
- I did learn a few things about food. I think there are no rules that apply to everyone, you need to figure out what makes you feel good to eat, what makes you feel tired,…..it took me a while, but I did figure it out at the end (if you are really interested in changing your diet you will have to invest a little time to find the right balance. To this I want to add: I do not count calories or anything like that).
Ridiculous right? I am obviously not “fat” and yet I thought I am.
On top of the fact that I saw a “fat and huge” thing in the mirror, I did also get into an incredible unhealthy relationship at that time. Obviously I didn´t know till the end how unhealthy it was.
He saw the same flaws in me that I saw. I shouldn´t eat that, or maybe I should train more, should wear my hair down, should work on my walk, on my posture, shouldn´t wear tight jeans in bright colors,…..the list is endless, I´m telling you.
So there I was, little Tammy starting to eat less and work out more (the wrong way of working out tho)…I literally got obsessed with food and clothing, make-up and everything that makes us girls look “pretty” and “presentable” (as my bf loved to call it), till I reached the point were I actually cried myself to sleep, not knowing how I should change all the things that were “wrong” with me.
But then a special day arrived and I couldn´t be more thankful for the change that it created in me.
My dear friend Veronika said one simple and very true sentence to me:
“You are not yourself anymore, you changed completely. Who are you?”
I immediately knew it was not a compliment, it was my obsessive behavior she was referring to. Obsession about food, skin, clothing,…everything. My friend from 10 years can see my obnoxious behavior, how come I can´t?
It was time. It didn´t take me long to realise my problems (just had to change the perspective), finding the solutions was the difficult part.
I now was able to see unhealthy behavior and made some drastical changes:
Those 4 steps changed everything for me.
As my training was very frequently, I started to feel stronger and fitter. All of the sudden I had motivation and energy, in every aspect in my life. My back-pain got better (due to uneven legs), finally muscles supporting my spine.
Now after a few years into sport, I don´t just feel better about my body, I also feel much better in my mind. The beginning was tough, but it was worth it and I feel the most comfortable and strong I have ever felt in my body.
I am not saying everyone has to go to the gym or you will never feel good about yourself, that´s not the point. All I want to say is, that sometimes you have to have a realistic view on yourself in order to actually feel better.
What is wrong with you?
Where does it come from?
How do I change it?
For me everything changed, I am still super self-critical (that is just my nature), but at least now it is to a healthy degree.